Kaji's Will
by Time Mage
Summary: In the aftermath of the war with the Angels, the will of Kaji Ryouji is discovered and must be fulfilled! But no one expected it to be like this...


Author's Notes: Welcome all to this story! It's now been about a year since it was first conceptualized, and now it's finally going to see the light of day! My friend, RandomPasserby, and I were up one night in the dorm hallways, talking, and he said he wanted to do a Shinji/Asuka fic. I've never been a fan of shipping, having always felt it was a Fangirl thing and I wanted nothing to do with it. But he convinced me, and I came up with the idea "What if there were something in Kaji's will that made it all happen?" We spent the following few hours improvising and rehearsing a rough script of the main scene, and it sort of built from there.

Note that this story is not stupid, slap-stick comedy. Also, it is not a hardcore, mega-serious drama. We hope it'll serve the purpose of bring a bit of sanity to the Evangelion universe, and some love and friendship, while making you all smile.

Enjoy!

**Kaji's Will**

The Ikari Office (The normal one.)

Leaning forward behind his intertwined fingers, the man's features couldn't be made out. Still, his imposing voice was not in any way inhibited. "Are the preparations for the Final Phase of the scenario taken care of?"

"Sure." the jovial voice of the man across the desk replied simply. "Once all the Angels are gone, we can proceed as you scheduled."

"Are you sure about this, Ikari?" the silver haired man to the right of the one in shadows interjected. "They're an unpredictable bunch, those kids."

"It doesn't matter. Despite how stubborn they are, such petulant emotions are meaningless and will not interfere. We must and we will dissolve the barriers which keep them separate." the first quickly dismissed, his voice still even.

"Well then, I guess I should be on my way. It's been wonderful working with you gentlemen." the second one said as he turned on his heel. As an afterthought, he turned his head and said over his shoulder, "See ya!"

"Maintain your professionalism when in my presence, Agent Kaji." the dark man replied curtly.

"Oh, my mistake, Commander Ikari." the man called Kaji said with a knowing smirk. "And farewell, Commander Fuyutsuki."

Once Kaji had left, Gendo Ikari turned to his loyal assistant and spoke a simple command. "Take care of him. Ensure that his presence does not jeopardize the plan."

"Understood." Fuyutsuki nodded, lightly tapping his pocket where the hard metal case of the gun was.

XXXXXXXXXXX

Random Street Corner (You expect us to name it?)

Ryouji Kaji leaned casually against the brick wall, a light smirk decorating his face as he looked up at the moonlight. _'I hope Misato gets my message. It would be rude of me to just up and leave her, after all.'_

The click of shoes on the concrete walkway alerted him of the approach of someone else. Turning to address them, his face took a knowing look, reflecting both foreboding and a bizarre sense of amusement. "Hey, you're late."

Without responding, the approaching man reached into his pant pocket and pulled out the handgun. Flicking the safety off, he took only a second to aim before pulling the trigger. Amazingly, Kaji didn't react at first. After a few seconds, he leaned forward and grabbed at his stomach, grimacing in pain. As sweat began to cover his face, he somehow found the strength to once again smile. Still maintaining his good humor, he found it in him to mutter one last word.

"Ow. . .!"

XXXXXXXXXXX

NERV Conference Room (Yes, they have one.)

All NERV personnel, including the EVA pilots, who knew Agent Ryouji Kaji had solemnly gathered. Most everyone sat down in the exorbitant amount of chairs gathered in the room. Each of them bore a similar expression to the next, showing feelings of remorse, frustration, sorrow, and loss. From his viewpoint, along the left-hand side of the long table, Shinji Ikari felt so very isolated...and powerless. All around him, people were in pain over the loss of Kaji. He wanted to help them; he wanted to so very much. It was the hand fate had dealt him, destining him to always be a sacrificial lamb–a scapegoat so that the hearts of others could be mended. However, as he looked around, he couldn't think of anything he could do–anything he could give that would make things better.

Across the table and down a little bit, First Lieutenants Shigeru Aoba and Maya Ibuki sat next to each other, their eyes downcast with a much simpler sort of grief than those who had known Kaji much more intimately. Perhaps there was no need for Shinji to comfort them. After all, their grief seemed to be more simple and basic; the type that anyone feels when someone else dies.

At the very end of the table, however, sat Captain Misato Katsuragi, easily the most heartbroken of all. After all, she and Kaji had been lovers since college, in spite of the long hiatus their relationship had undergone. She was a wreck, and had been for weeks. She had known– somehow she had known ever since that it happened that Kaji was dead. Ever since then, she'd spent most of her time holed up in her room, threatening to shoot anyone who even approached her door, leaving only for the sake of going to work and the such. Not only that, but she had fallen back into her old drinking habits, only many times worse than ever before. Yet regardless of how she was crushed by the weight of the loss of the man she loved, she had managed to lead the three Evangelion pilots against the last handful of the Angels. Now, the only thing she could do...was cry.

At her side was First Lieutenant Makoto Hyuga, trying his best to comfort her. He'd never said it, but most people at NERV had easily figured out that he had a crush on the young Captain, but had been too shy at first to say anything, and then too respectful of her relationship with Kaji to try and intrude. However, there he was, in her moment of need, doing the only thing he could do.

On the other side of Misato was the only other person actually willing to shed a tear was Asuka Langley Sohryu, who sat sulking, her head hanging as tears crashed against her skirt. Her heart had been shattered, though not nearly as brutal as had happened to Misato. In the case of Misato, it had been honest love for Kaji, which he had so fully returned. In contrast, Asuka's had been a silly and naive school-girl crush on Kaji, which she indulged only in the presence of others in an attempt to stand out and receive praise. Still, in spite of how false her affections had been, she had managed to bring herself to a point that she felt true–though shallow rooted–feelings for the man. At least, they were real enough to enable her to cry for him.

'_So sad.'_ Shinji thought to himself. _'They can all cry or try and help relive the crying...but I can't do anything. Misato is like an older sister to me, maybe even a second mother. When I wanted to live by myself, she wouldn't hear of it and took me to live with her. And ever since then, I've felt more at home than I ever did. Then there's Asuka...I've only known her a short time, and she's always acting like she's pissed off at me, but still...seeing her cry...I can't bear it!'_

On the other end of the table was found a less than sympathetic group of individuals. First off was Rei Ayanami, the First Child. As always, her face was blank and her eyes as soulless as humanly possible. Not even the death of a colleague had been enough to draw any emotional response out of her. Clearly, there wasn't a single event that could occur that could get Rei to do anything outside of stare blankly ahead of herself.

Across from her was Dr. Ritsuko Akagi. Aside from Misato and Asuka, she was the most affected by the loss of Kaji. They had been good friends throughout college and then during their time together at NERV. Sure, he had flirted with her often, but they both knew it was just childish banter, mostly for the sake of teasing Misato. Still, professional as ever, Ritsuko had managed to check her tears at the door.

Next to Ritsuko was the standing silver-haired form of Commander Kozou Fuyutsuki, passive as ever and hands clasped behind his back. And finally, sitting down in the center of that end of the table was the most stone-cold man any of those present could imagine, Gendo Ikari. Clasped tightly between his gloved fingers was the object which had brought them all together at this time. Calmly, and emotionlessly, he spoke, "We're gathered here today for the reading of one Ryouji Kaji's will. After this meeting, the enactment of the will shall take place immediately. All business regarding this will be taken, so all those involved will remain."

Afterwards, Gendo slowly took a letter opener off the table in front of him and tore the envelope open. Pulling out the papers, he unfolded them and immediately began to read.

_'Hi, I'm Ryouji Kaji, and you are reading my will. If you're reading this, then you must know I'm dead. Duh.'_

Misato's slowly-stopping sobs returned in full-force, becoming loud and obnoxious cries and wails as she quickly drenched the left side of Makoto's uniform. Everyone turned and stared, waiting for it to stop, which took a short while.

Gendo stopped reading and turned to his assistant. "Even in death, he maintains his ability to be forever jovial."

"It was his gift." Fuyutsuki effortlessly retorted. Gendo made no sound and returned to reading the will.

_'I guess we've reached the part where I start handing out all my stuff. I'm dead, so I don't need them anymore, I guess. So let's get right to it, shall we?_

_For starters, let's get all the obvious formalities out of the way. All my NERV equipment shall be returned proper, and my computer password is known to the Commander. Any other job materials will be given to Major Katsuragi._

_Now on to the parts everyone wants to hear about. The juicy bits, if you will. First of all, I have watermelons growing near the shelter inside the Geofront. I know I already told Misato about them, but I fear her forgetfulness, and wish to delegate the caring of them to Shinji.'_

Fuyutsuki briefly interrupted his superior with a light tap on the shoulder, whispering to him, "He never mentioned watermelons."

Gendo merely smirked. "I knew about them. They didn't interfere with the scenario. There is no harm in simple pleasures." The commander quickly flashed a glance at Dr. Akagi, who was busy consoling Misato, and preventing her from reaching the beer supply.

_'Next, there is the matter of my... magazine collection. These mean a lot to me, and it's a very large set. These have proven very useful and informative to me, so I wish to give them to someone else who can make good use of them. Shinji, study them well. I'm sure they will become useful to you very soon, as they have me._

_I also believe that my stereo and music collection should go to someone who could make use of them. That is why I will be giving them to Rei Ayanami. I believe that this will thoroughly loosen up the First Child. I ask a final favor of my dear Asuka to make sure she uses them. Host a few parties at her house, please?_

_Then there is the matter of my motorcycle. It is currently inside the NERV garage, and the keys are enclosed with this will. I wish for Shinji to have them. Someone like Shinji needs a motorcycle, it's about time he finally got something badass.'_

Shinji nearly fell out of his chair. Regaining his composure, Shinji looked around, then turned to his father, who had already returned his gaze. "B-b-but... I'm not old enough to drive!"

"Not according to the new Young Driver's Law. Fuyutsuki." The commander motioned to his assistant with a wave of his hand. Fuyutsuki responded by pulling a pair of keys out of his pocket and lightly tossing them underhanded. Shinji tried reaching for them, but they were already to him, and he barely managed to protect himself from getting stabbed in the eye. Uncaring, the elder Ikari looked back down and returned to the reading of the will.

_'Another important matter is that of my house and everything inside. Aside from the stereo and the magazines, I wish for those belongings to go to Misato. It's much nicer than the apartment she's currently in, and it'll have more space for herself, Shinji and Asuka._

_There's one last, little possession of mine. I do believe it is in your pocket, Kozou old friend. You know what to do with it._

_I suppose that's everything. I don't really have much more. Except that I want to be cremated, and my ashes spilled out at the 2018 Winter Olympics in Paris. Go Japan!_

_This is where I end my statements. I really don't have anything else to say. I really have no regrets in my life, except one little, teeny, tiny, itsy, bitsy, teeny, weeny, little thing. I wish I could have lived to see the day when Shinji and Asuka finally drop their barriers, admit their feelings, and fall deeply, madly, in love. Just like those cheesy romance novels. That's all from me, Ryouji Kaji, signing off.'_

"What?!" Asuka shrieked as those last words were read, somehow finding it within herself to forget her sorrows for a moment. "Mein Gott! There's no way I could ever fall for this loser! Kaji was the only man for me, and now he's gone!"

As these word echoed off the walls, Shinji's head dropped even more than it already had. You would think that by now he'd be used to it, but no. . .!

Leaning down to Gendo's ear, Fuyutsuki whispered a simple, yet cryptic question. "Now?" The Commander nodded.

"Second Child, Third Child, your attention please." the head of NERV said curtly, bringing an end to Asuka's rant and Shinji's pity party. Shifting his eyes to the right, he then spoke, "Fuyutsuki, the box."

With a nod, the silver haired man reached into his breast pocket and pulled out a small black box, walked forward a few steps, grabbed Shinji's wrist and forced his hand open. Placing the box into the boy's open palm, he quickly retreated to the Commander's side.

Shinji just stared at the box, unsure of how to respond. "Um...what exactly am I supposed to do with this?"

Without losing an ounce of his edge, Gendo answered with a question of his own. "What do you do with boxes, Shinji?"

"I...I uh...I open them?" the boy meekly replied.

"Very good." Gendo affirmed in a way that would have been perceived as sarcastic to those who didn't know better. "Do so."

Timidly, Shinji popped the velvet box open, his eyes widening as he realized what was contained within. "It's...a ring?"

"Correct." Gendo replied curtly. "Do you know what kind of ring it is?"

"A shiny one?" Shinji asked, very uncertainly. None of this was making sense!

"Beyond that." Gendo prodded, just beginning to lose his patience.

"Um...is that platinum?" Shinji asked, trying again to please his father.

"Not physical features. What kind of purpose could it serve?" the Commander persisted.

"It's...uh, is this an engagement ring?" Shinji asked, his voice suddenly slipping into a crackly shriek.

"Correct." Gendo responded. "Now, what do you do with an engagement ring?"

"You...propose to the girl you love?"

"Correct."

Once again, silence prevailed. Gendo's eyes were fixed on his son, who was intently focused on the ring in his hand, which now seemed permanently affixed in its current position, the diamond glistening in the light.

"So...uh...why do I need this? Is someone trying to send a message to me?" the young boy asked, confused.

"Yes. We're saying you should use _it_ and propose to _her_."

"By 'her' you mean...?" Shinji asked, uncertainly.

"Figure it out." Gendo was getting agitated.

"Um...Rei? But she doesn't do anything without an order from you or Misato. Besides, she only smiles when talking to you, and even that seems to become less frequent lately."

"Incorrect." his father quickly dismissed. _'On top of that, she's a clone of your mother...'_

"Misato? Isn't she a bit old for me? I mean, I know that she's been lonely lately, and losing Kaji was really hard on her, but I just don't think I'm cut out for it."

"Wrong."

"Ritsuko? She's just as old as Misato, and I don't think she could see anyone outside of being a science experiment.

"Try again." Gendo nearly barked. _'Plus, I have dibs in case my plans for Yui fail.'_

Scratching his head now, Shinji spoke the next name that came to him. "Hikari?"

"She's dating your best friend, who currently needs all the support he can get. Guess again."

"Maya?"

"She's a lesbian!"

"Wait!" Maya suddenly exploded, blushing furiously. "I'm bisex...ual..." Her voice faded when she noticed most people staring at her. "I mean...how did you know?"

"It was rather obvious." the ominous man replied, still in the same position he'd been in ever since he'd put the will down.

"Wait a second..." Aoba muttered aloud, though few heard him. "This means I have a chance..."

"Moving on..." Fuyutsuki interjected with an uncomfortable cough.

"Um...um...but mom's-" Shinji began before his father cut him off harshly.

"That's just sick!"

"Then who's left?"

Sighing in annoyance, Gendo's eyes shot to the right. "Fuyutsuki, the card." With a nod, the Commander's assistant retrieved a 3x5 card from the inner pocket of his jacket, which he handed to Shinji. "Now, read it."

"Asuka?" Shinji read aloud. "But I don't know of any girls named Asuka who would marry me."

"Move your thumb." his father ordered.

"Asuka...Langley...Soryu?" Shinji read each syllable slowly. After a moment, he strung it all together. "Asuka Langley Soryu? But...that would be...Asuka?!"

"Correct!" Gendo had finally lost his patience.

"I...I...you...uh...she...I mean...but Asuka...I...that is to say...I...Kaji...the will...I...Asuka...father...Misato...what's going on?"

"Stand up, my son." Gendo barked, lightly. Amazingly, the boy did. "Now, go to her."

"But...but I don't want to."

"I am telling you, as your Commander, to do it."

"But I-"

"Now!"

Hesitantly, the teenager approached the red haired girl, who seemed to be, if at all possible, more paralyzed than he was. Maybe that's just because he was actually moving at the moment.

"Take her hand."

"I can't."

"Take her hand!"

Seeming to be struggling against an unseen force, Shinji's left arm lifted up from his side and took a hold of Asuka's limp wrist.

"Now, tell her how you feel."

"I don't think she's very interested in the fact that I'm about to throw up on her."

"I meant emotionally."

"I'm afraid."

"Tell her about the feelings in your heart; I know you have one. Do _not_ run away!"

Hanging his head in shame, Shinji mumbled, "AsukaIloveyouwouldyouplease-"

"Speak loudly, clearly, slowly, and with true feeling." Gendo's teeth were grinding together and threatening to shatter at any moment. "And look her in the eye, dammit!"

"Asuka...I lo...l...love y...you..."

"Good enough. Now, get on one knee."

"I can't."

"Do it!"

"It wont move! I'm trying, and it wont freaking move!"

"Aoba," the Commander called to the long haired technician. "Shoot him in the leg."

"What? Father, you can't!" Shinji shouted in horror before, magically, he found that his leg was very flexible. Giving into the forces of gravity, Shinji sunk to his knee.

"Now, present the ring."

Swallowing very hard, Shinji released Asuka's wrist and began to manually pry the fingers of his right hand off of the box so that he could open it. _'I musn't run away. I musn't run away. I musn't run away!"_

While all this was going on, Asuka herself had managed to actually tilt her head down and look at Shinji, unable to stop, or even perceive the fact that she was shivering uncontrollably. Sure, she had always cared about the boy, maybe even loved him. But...well, this was absurd! He was freaking proposing to her! Even Misato had managed to stop crying thanks to the shock of this.

"Now, pop the question." Gendo commanded.

"But...I'm scared."

"That's an order." As these words slipped out, a distinct "crack" could be heard coming from within Gendo's jaw.

"Asuka...would you...that is to say...Asuka, would you...here's a really nice ring and I think you should have it...please?"

"Wrong...question." Gendo seethed through his teeth while massaging his jaw, Fuyutsuki noticing a rather large sweat drop forming on the back of his head. _'Damnit, this wont be cheap to repair.'_

"Asuka, would you please...uh...please...marry...please marry...um...me?"

"With coherence, and conviction." Fuyutsuki ordered in the place of Gendo, who was currently adjusting his lower skull.

Swallowing very loudly, Shinji's eyes shot between the ring and Asuka for a few moments, the tension building. Finally, he gathered up what little courage he possessed and asked "Asuka, would you please marry me?"

For several moments more, Asuka simply stared at him, her eyes the equivalent of a deer in headlights. She couldn't move. She was more paralyzed now than she had been moments earlier. He had just asked her, and now...she couldn't move! _'Schiest!'_ she screamed in her head. Why couldn't she move? Was it fear? Was this the way Shinji felt all the time? Shinji, the boy she loved, had asked her to marry him, and wanted desperately to answer him.

"YES!" she suddenly found herself scream, tears forming in her eyes.

_'Now look what you've done, you idiot!'_ Shinji berated himself. _'You made her cry! I'm worthless! All I ever do is make other people hurt! Now she's gonna kill me!'_

Suddenly he felt something in his hair. It felt like fingers...and they were slowly curling around his hair into a clenched fist. Lifting his head up, the hand moved to gently caress his jaw and chin and pushed upwards, forcing him to his feet. _'She's gonna kill me. Gonna die, gonna die. It was all a trick, set up by my bastardly father to get her to kill me! Gonna die, gonna die, gonna die, gonna die!'_

Rising to his feet, Shinji continued to echo those same words in his head. Even when he felt a sudden pressure on his lips. It wasn't a forceful pressure, instead rather light and inviting. He found that his breath had suddenly bottled up, and he recognized the softness of something he'd felt only once before.

_'Wait a minute...this is just like that time...like that time...which time? Wait! These are...these are lips...Asuka's lips! But. But...'_ He was at a loss for words. None of this was making sense. Things had gone from weird to insane to ludicrous! And now...and now...'_Wait, what did she just say?'_

"Asuka...you...you said yes?" he stammered, uncertain of his own reality.

"Yes," the curt voice of Gendo Ikari spat as he dislodged the fractured piece of tooth from his mouth. "She did." Reaching to his side, he snatched the gauze out of Fuyutsuki's waiting hands.

"Of course I'll marry you, Baka!" Asuka shrieked into his ear. "Now..." grabbing his cheeks, she kissed him again, this time even deeper and with far more passion.

"Wait a minute!" Ritsuko suddenly interrupted, snapping everyone out of their dazed states and moving the attention away from Shinji and Asuka (who were still making out) to herself. "What's the meaning of all this, Commander Ikari? What about the Human Instrumentality Project? All of your 'Scenarios'?"

"This _is_ the Human Instrumentality Project." came the answer. "At least, as I have always intended it to be. Instrumentality is for the purpose of ending the pain of loneliness. I would say that has been successfully accomplished."

"But...the Evas...NERV...everything?" the scientist persisted. "What was the point of it all if you only wanted to get your son a girlfriend?"

"The battle against the Angels brought them together. It also resulted in the creation of NERV, giving me the resources needed to search for a suitable wife for my son, while at the same time putting him in a situation where he would have to learn to come to grips with reality. Et cetera." Gendow snickered.

"Really, father?" Shinji asked (he had stopped kissing Asuka long enough to hear the explanation), his tone one of disbelief. "But...I thought you hated me and only wanted me to suffer?"

"What you thought I was doing or felt is irrelevant." the boy's father answered. "When my life crumbled thanks to the loss of Yui, I vowed upon her grave that I wouldn't allow you to suffer like that, but that you would instead always experience the same happiness I did when I had Yui at my side."

"Father, that's..." Shinji was at a loss for words. "That's all?"

"Yes, that's it. This is what I've been working towards from the very beginning. There's nothing else to my Scenario. That's it."

Everyone stared at the man, floored. Was it possible that the Commander they had all come to know and hate, or at the very least disrespect, had all along been working towards his son's personal happiness? The Angels, the outrageous amount of damage the city had sustained, the lives lost and others destroyed, the chaos caused by the fear of a potential impending apocalypse...everything...had all been for the purpose of getting Shinji and Asuka to fall in love? The surprise was such that all anyone could do was simply stare in pure shock, none daring to try and disturb the suddenly thick tension-filled atmosphere.

After a minute, Gendo spoke up again. "I hate to break up, but I have one more important detail to clear up." Snapping his fingers, the door at the back of the room slid open, the shadows covering the upper features of a figure standing lazily in the frame.

Raising an arm in a casual greeting, a cordial voice voice spoke. "Yo."

"Ka...Kaji?!" Misato asked, her voice sounding desperate. "You're alive?"

"Yeah...though..." he turned at this point to address Fuyutsuki now. "You didn't have to actually shoot me!"

"We couldn't afford anyone investigating and figuring it out. Absolute realism. For the sake of the scenario." Gendo affirmed, his lips twisting into a grin behind his hands.

"Yes...because shooting me and landing me in the hospital is so much less conspicuous than actually _faking_ my death. Seriously, you don't give me and my skills enough credit." Kaji shot at him.

"KAJI!" At these words, the named man turned back to Misato, the woman he had been ignoring for the past few seconds. Cracking that all-too-cool guy grin of his at her, he was caught off guard when the charging woman suddenly tripped and crashed to the ground.

"Oh, my dear Misato." he said back, feigning shock while placing his hand over his heart. "You've abandoned me for the cold floor, just because I got shot? How could you do this to me?"

Trembling violently, Misato strained in vain to push herself off of the floor, but the weeks of being pressured by the strings of so much tension, only to have them suddenly severed by Kaji's return had left her completely without any real capacity for action, whether mental, emotional, of physical. She couldn't even feel the throbbing pain in her forehead.

Kneeling down next to her, Kaji placed his hand on the small of her back, spreading new warmth throughout her body. Lifting her up onto her knees, Kaji smiled once again for her.

"I promised you, didn't I?" he asked, but only to get a response in the form of a blank, lost stare. "I promised you that if I we saw each other again, I'd tell you those words that I should have told you years ago."

Tears once again forming in her eyes, Misato was powerless to respond in any way. She wanted to hit him, beat him within an inch of his life for doing this to her. Yes, let him try and come back from that near death experience. No, wait, not Kaji. He was fresh out of the hospital, after all. No, beat the piss out of Commanders Ikari and Fuyutsuki, yes. It was all their fault! Beat them within an inch of their lives, and then maybe beat that last little bit out of them as well. Instead, all she could do was remain transfixed by his eyes and words.

"Misato," Kaji continued. "I love you. I've always loved you, with that same purity which Shinji and Asuka share. You've always been far more than just a toy for me to use and enjoy, only to be eventually disregarded. No, for you see, the purpose for which God put me here in this life has been and always will be to serve you. Loving you, cherishing you, honoring you, that is what I live for! For you, Misato Katsuragi, I would give my life if it would bring you happiness. I would hand over myself to Commander Ikari to bring about the destruction of the entire human race, if only it would keep you from ever feeling the pain of loneliness. For you, I would charge against an entire fleet of mass produced Eva's, without any armament, not even my wits, for the sole purpose of ensuring your safety. I would even go so far as to place the fate of the entire world in the hands of Rei Ayanami, bestowing godlike powers in her hands, in return only for a chance to see your glorious face once again. Please, smile for me, my angel–nay, my goddess! Just once. Love me, ravish me, so long as you are near me. Speak to me, anything, and it shall be a heavenly rhapsody to my ears."

As Kaji finished his monologue, he tilted his head back down, smiling once again at Misato, who in turn seemed to be paralyzed with awe. Finally she made herself smile back at him before burying her face in his chest.

So enthralled as they were by Kaji's soliloquy, no one in the room noticed Gendo scribbling furiously on a pad of paper. At the top, in bold letters and underlined were the words "Things to Tell Yui When She Returns" and had a number of quotes taken from what Kaji had just said written underneath.

"Misato," Kaji spoke once again, causing the addressed woman to pull herself off of him and look him back in the eye. Reaching into his pant pocket, Kaji pulled out a small black box, which he promptly opened and displayed to her. "Will you please marry me? If you do, I-"

"Yes!" Misato cried, flinging her arms around his neck. "Of course I'll marry you, but please...don't ever ramble on like that again."

Taken slightly aback, Kaji paused for a moment before prying her off just long enough to slip the bright silver ring over her left ring finger and locking her in a passionate kiss. The room around them broke into a loud wave of applause. A few seconds later, Shinji felt a tap on his shoulder, which turned out to be his new fiancé.

"We can't let them show us up. I wont have it!" Asuka declared, grabbing Shinji's cheeks and pulling him into another deep kiss.

"Alright then," Gendo called over the storm of clapping that had erupted on behalf of the two couples. "There will a joint wedding in two months. Until then, you are all dismissed."

In a wave of celebration, everyone present rose to their feet and turned to leave, but froze as suddenly Kaji suddenly shouted, "What about my stuff?"

"Irrelevant." Gendo answered, his fingers still intertwined in front of his face. "The will is iron clad, and therefore cannot be undone."

"But...but..." Kaji gaped. "My stuff! My house!"

"You bequeathed it to Captain Katsuragi, did you not. And did she not just agree to marry you?" the Commander pointed out. "And I sense that you two wont have much trouble living together till the wedding, either."

"And my magazines?" Kaji asked.

"I sincerely doubt you have any need to actually _read_ them any more, granted the number of times you have rehearsed the information they contain." Fuyutsuki cut in sharply.

"What about my motorcycle and stereo?" Kaji pressed.

"That is part of my Secondary Scenario." Gendo answered quickly, yet cryptically.

"Secondary?" a number of people asked at once, raising their eyebrows.

"Irrelevant." he declared. "Now, leave."

As everyone solemnlywalked out, Fuyutsuki leaned in close to his superior and muttered, "SEELE isn't going to be too happy with this."

"I wouldn't worry about the old fools at SEELE." Gendo answered, a dangerous glimmer in his eye.

XXXXXXXXXX

SEELE Conference Table (You know, the one with the pretty colors)

The five members of the council known as SEELE, who had been operating behind the scenes of NERV and practically any other disaster of any kind that had afflicted mankind for the past fifteen years, found themselves in an extremely unusual situation. They were all in the room where they normally met...but they were there in person, not video images. A rather unprecedented event in their organization.

"Keel, what is this about?" one of the other men demanded of the white haired man who wore an electronic visor over his eyes.

"Me?" Chairman Keel asked. "I was told that you four had voted to hold this personal meeting."

"That's absurd." another member, an older man with a hooked nose interjected. "Why on earth would we want to hold a meeting in person?"

"Beyond that, where is Ikari?"

Their questions, however, would never receive further debate, nor would other questions be asked. At that particular moment, the five men noticed an unusual thundering sound echoing through the air. Seconds later, they noticed that the building was vibrating. However, before any of them could ask the mandatory "What is that?", a massive fist encased in purple armor crashed through the roof, striking the table which the members of SEELE were sitting it. The fist would then pull up, and then thrust back down, this time striking Chairman Keel squarely. The process would then repeat it self again and again...and again until each of the five men had been soundly crushed, along with the building they had been meeting in.

Standing above the rubble, howling triumphantly into the air, was Evangelion Unit 01. After a minute or so of gloating, it looked down at its feet and the desolation it had created. Then, with a flash of red in it's eyes, it began to jump up and down in place, continuously crushing the debris in a fit of untamed violence.

XXXXXXXXXX

Two Months Later (at some undisclosed reception hall in Tokyo-3)

Amidst cheers and applause, two couples dashed out the front doors of the reception hall. The first was Misato in a form fitting white dress with a slit down the side of the leg while her veil flapped in the air behind her like a cape. To her side was Kaji, dressed in a charcoal black suit, the tie having been pulled loose and the collar unbuttoned and popped up.

Just behind them were Shinji and Asuka, the real difference between them and the first couple being that Asuka's dress was much more puffy in contrast to Misato's.

Moving in a way that could only be described as a hybrid of jogging and skipping, Misato and Kaji bolted down the aisle made up of the wedding guests which lined the sidewalk. Waiting for them at the curb was their brand new, bright red sports car (a gift from Commander's Ikari and Fuyutsuki, as well as Ritsuko. The United Nations had also helped pay for it, but currently were unaware...). Coming to a stop at the passenger side door, Kaji pulled it open and stepped to the side, only for Misato to run around to the other end. Blinking in confusion, he looked over the hood at her, where she greeted him with a smile.

"I'm driving." she said with a sassy gleam in her eye. Sighing in defeat, Kaji got in on his side and pulled the door shut just as the car bolted down the road, dashing any number of traffic laws to pieces as it did so.

With a smile to his new wife, Shinji dug into his pockets for a few seconds until he located the keys to his new motorcycle. He'd spent a good amount of time over the past two months practicing on it for just this occasion. Straddling himself over the seat, he waited for Asuka to climb on, giving her a coy smirk.

"What's he doing?" Hikari Horaki asked of the person nearest her, who happened to be Ritsuko. "She can't ride that thing while wearing that dress. The skirt would get ruined, maybe even get caught in the tires and kill her!"

"Don't worry." Ritsuko smiled knowingly.

At that moment, Asuka feigned embarrassment and frustration towards Shinji as these same thoughts seemed to go through her mind. Then, her lips twisting into a grin, she waited as Shinji dismounted, closed the two foot gap between them, and then grabbed the hem at her waist. With one strong yank, he removed the cumbersome article completely, resulting in a single shocked gasp from the guests, horrified by the idea of a groom mortifying his bride like that.

The moment quickly passed, however, when everyone noticed a simple white skirt which reached just past the knees on Asuka, having been completely concealed by the larger garment.

With a cheerful laugh, Shinji swung the discarded skirt over his head a few times before tossing it into the crowd, when it was snatched out of the air by the freckled Kensuke Aida, who held it tightly to himself.

"Good night everybody!" Shinji and Asuka called to the crowd as they mounted the bike together. Turning the key, Shinji reveled in the howl of his newest toy before kicking it into action and speeding down the same road Misato and Kaji had started on.

As the crowd watched them speed away, the more romantic bunch couldn't help but sigh at the fact that there was a sunset directly in front of them. It was a sight that was almost exclusive to Hollywood, but had apparently found a way into reality just this once.

As the camera clicked, Gendo grinned, looking at Fuyutsuki, who handed the digital camera over. Turning it around in his hands, Gendo looked at the image captured of his son and his bride charging straight into the sun. Looking back at his colleague, he commented, "And now, the Second Scenario is complete."

XXXXXXXXXXX

Omake 1- More humor! Hooray!

Shinji and Asuka's kiss was suddenly interrupted by a large flurry of applause. Looking around the room, they were startled to see that everyone else had risen to their feet and while clapping, with smiles on their faces, spoke in unison, "Congratulations! Congratulations!"

"What...the..hell?" Asuka asked, but received no answer. Maybe it was just the absolutely insincere expressions everyone wore. Or, maybe it's the fact that both Rei and Gendo were actually smiling, but it was just plain creepy...and outrageously annoying.

In horror, she and Shinji could do nothing except stand there, enduring the never-ending sounds of clapping and "Congratulations! Congratulations!"

Omake 2-But wait! There's more!

"What about my stereo?" Kaji demanded of Gendo, who snickered behind his gloves in response.

"That is part of my Second Scenario." As he said these words, an image appeared in his mind of Rei standing over a massive and elaborate sound system with some hard rock music playing. Of course, the scary part was the fact that she had her fingertips on the disc...and she was rubbing it like a DJ at a rave.

Omake 3-This may take a while...

As Kaji and Misato lip-locked, Ritsuko rose to her feet and shouted "Kaji, what are you doing? You were supposed to marry me!"

"Screw you!" Misato shouted, breaking away from Kaji's mouth for a moment. "Besides, I thought you were more into Commander Ikari." Ritsuko and Gendo both blushed while everyone else (minus Kaji and Fuyutsuki) jumped back, staring at the young doctor and the older, far less attractive Commander.

"That's it!" Ritsuko lunged forward, somehow sailing over Kaji completely and tackling Misato to the ground. On instinct, Misato began to fight back, and so the two rolled on the floor, legs kicking and fingers clawing at the air.

"Ooo..." Kaji smirked. "Cat-fight."

(Note-This is more or less inspired by an Eva parody we found)

Omake 4-These next few omake's are going to take a look at the various different ideas we had for killing off SEELE...

As the members of SEELE continued to debate with one another concerning the nature of the conference which had been called, they failed to notice as Gendo Ikari entered.

"Gentlemen," he began, grabbing their attention.

"Ikari!" they shouted in unison. "What is the meaning of this?"

"Very simple." Gendo snickered, pushing his glasses up the bridge of his nose with his right middle finger. "You are no longer needed."

With those words, Gendo grabbed the hems of his coat and pulled them back, revealing massive amalgamation of guns aimed directly at the five men in front of him. Without pause, the firearms came to life, firing round after round at the five old men. Mercilessly, they were ripped to pieces, to the point that nothing remained save a single large pool of blood with small scapes of flesh floating in it.

Smiling in satisfaction, Gendo closed his coat, turned on his heel, and walked away.

Omake 5-Sparked your interest, didn't we?

"Keel, what is this about?" one of the other men demanded of the white haired man who wore an electronic visor over his eyes.

"Me?" Chairman Keel asked. "I was told that you four had voted to hold this personal meeting."

"That's absurd." another member, an older man with a hooked nose interjected. "Why on earth would we want to hold a meeting in person?"

"Beyond that, where is Ikari?"

Before anyone could further the debate, all five members paused, having been cut off by the sound of some sort of electrical beep. Looking around in confusion, trying to locate the source of the annoyance, Chairman Keel finally leaned down and looked under the table.

At that particular instant, however, the miniature N-2 mine, specially designed for taking out smaller targets as well as assassinations, that was strapped to the bottom of the table chose to detonate, incinerating SEELE in its entirety.

Omake 6-And you'll just keep reading, won't you?

A few hours before the reading of Kaji's will, Gendo found himself towering over a young man with bushy light brown hair, a face covered in freckles, and glasses with rounded lenses.

"You...you mean it?" the young man asked, his voice filled with excitement, which was added to by the expression on his face and the fact that he looked about read to dance. "You'll let me pilot an Eva?"

"That is correct." Gendo replied. "You will be permitted to pilot Eva Unit 01 for the duration of the day, so long as you make it your first order of business to eliminate the men I have asked you to. Do you understand, Mr. Aida?"

"Absolutely!" the enthusiastic Kensuke Aida affirmed, looking about ready to wet himself with anticipation.

Hours later, Kensuke's shouts of joy were perhaps the only thing that could be heard over the sound of Unit 01 stomping the remains of the SEELE members.

Omake 7-Yup, thought so.

As Unit 01 continued stomping the rubble that had once been SEELE, inside the cockpit was a rather interesting sight.

"This is for my arm, my leg, and all the crap that happened to me as a result!" a very pissed off Toji Suzuhara, now complete with prosthetic arm and leg, screamed at the desolation he was causing. Apparently, no one had bothered to tell him that it was Gendo who had activated the Dummy Plug, not SEELE...

Omake 8-This is getting redundant...

"Die, SEELE!" Gendo Ikari shouted as he continued to violently attack the dust–the only remains of SEELE–that gathered around the feet of Evangelion Unit 01. "This is for melting Antartica! And for getting my wife sucked into this robot! And then for screwing my son over! And how about all the pressure you kept me under while we were fighting the Angels! And then you kept on getting in the way of my Scenario! Damn you to hell! Behold the power of a 500 synch ratio! Didn't think a husband and his wife who hate you could do it, did you?!"

And so the mindless destruction continued, all the while Gendo was ranting. Apparently he had a lot of pent-up stress to deal with...

Omake 9-And we don't give a rat's ass!

As Unit 01 continued to ravish SEELE HQ, inside the cockpit was a rather frightening sight. Hikari Horaki was at the controls, and she had a look on her face that would even cause the devil himself to shriek in fear.

"That's what you get for everything you did to my boyfriend! And even worse...that lunch I made for him that day went to waste! Do you have any idea how long I spent on that meal?! Do you, you bastards!"

Omake 10-Watch as your sanity slips...

As Unit 01 commences its attack on SEELE, we are taken inside the entry plug, which has mysteriously been altered to fit a much, much smaller pilot. This, of course, a necessity when the pilot is a warm water penguin, which has no apposable thumbs and hardly any leg.

"Wark!" Pen-Pen squawked, nearing hysterics. Bellow him appeared subtitles reading "You guys caused Second Impact. As a result, my homeland of Father Antarctica was destroyed. As a result, not only was my family killed, but then I you had me captured and forced me to undergo all kinds of genetic experiments! And now...and now I'm a household pet who keeps going hungry because his owners keep forgetting to feed him and he can't cook for himself! You'd think that with an IQ of 280 I could cook for myself, but I don't have any thumbs! Do you have any idea how hellish that is? I could cure cancer, mathematically end the evolution-creationism debate, and cook for myself, IF ONLY YOU HAD GIVEN ME SOME DAMN THUMBS!"

Omake 11-So, has your brain begun it's self-destruct sequence yet?

_In A.D. 2015, war was beginning._

As the members of SEELE were holding one of their various video conferences, they were interrupted by a small tremor and the flickering of the lights.

"What happen?" Chairman Keel demanded.

"Someone set us up the bomb." the old man with the hooked nose responded. Looking around themselves, confused, no one dared speak a word.

Finally, a flickering hologram at the end of the table activated, thought at first the image was almost impossible to discern.

"We get signal." another member of the committee said, focusing all attention on the image as it formed, displaying the image of a snickering Gendo Ikari...with a purple cape wrapped around himself.

"It's you." the leader of SEELE acknowledged, glaring fiercely through his visor at Gendo.

"How are you gentlemen?" the image greeted. "All you base are belong to us."

"What you say?" Keel asked.

"You are on the way to destruction." Gendo snickered cruelly, though his voice remained completely devoid of emotion. "You have no chance to survive, make your time."

As the members of SEELE began to panic, Gendo couldn't help but gloat in his victory, letting a small chuckle slip out. "Ha ha ha."

At that instant, twelve explosions went off simultaneously across the globe, each one taking with it a member of the almost completely unheard of council known as SEELE.

Note-Although there are only five members on the committee (along with Gendo), whenever we see the room with the big black tablets (such as when they're interrogating someone), there are twelve. Also, we don't own _All Your Base_ or _Zero Wing_.

Omake 12- Enjoying yourself? Well, keep going!

As Shinji and Asuka kissed, the on looking Gendo Ikari realized something: there was a strange, warm feeling bubbling within him. A feeling of triumph, for one, but also a feeling of just absolute adoration for the scene before him. Finally, without warning, he jumped to his feet and began to clap excitedly, much like a five-year-old.

"Kawaii!" he found himself squealing. "Finally, you two are together! Take that, Shinji/Rei shippers! P Do u see that! Shinji and Asuka 4ever! XD"

Everyone froze, unsure what to make of all this.

"Shinji-kun and Asuka-chan are so kawaii, don't u think?" Gendo continued to ramble, his voice growing more and more excited and high pitched as he went. Suddenly, he rose to his feet and leapt across the table, crashing into Asuka and Shinji, ramming them both to the floor while wrapping his arms around both of them...tightly. "Glomp and huggles! D"

"Um...dad...?" Shinji gasped for air, but was instantly cut off by a sharp intake of breath from his father.

"You called me 'dad'! )"

Everyone blinked.

Fortunately for Shinji and Asuka (who were both beginning to turn blue from a lack of oxygen), Fuyutsuki quickly whipped his pistol out of his pocket and used it to beat Gendo over the head, rendering him unconscious.

Taking in long, deep breaths, Shinji and Asuka both exclaimed, "What the hell was _that_?!"

"It would seem that your father has somehow succumbed to the dark influence fangirls have been poisoning our reality with as they continue to post more and more yaoi, bizarre pairings, and really bad grammar in everything they say and do." Ritsuko explained, standing over the fallen Gendo, arms crossed over her chest.

"I can only hypothesize that it happened because he had worked so hard to get you two together that it caused an emotional relapse. That flood of emotions must have acted as a conduit through which the fangirl influence could infect him." the doctor concluded.

"So, what do we do?" Misato inquired.

Sighing heavily, Ritsuko turned to Maya, Shigeru and Makoto. "You three, I need as many testosterone-pumped movies as you can get your hands on. _The Matrix_, _Ranbo_, _Itallian Job_, _Heratio_, _Braveheart_, _Last Samurai_, _Spriggan_, _James Bond_, and anything else you can think of. They may be the Commander's only hope."

Note- We don't own the rights to any of the above movies. They just seemed like good titles for the situation.

Omake 13-You're still here?

Overcome with emotion, Asuka felt tears quickly forming in her eyes as she looked down at Shinji on his knee, holding the ring out to her. Reaching down, she tenderly grabbed the sides of his head and began to lift him to his feet. In response, he tensed up, squinting his eyes shut and began to silently mumble something incoherently to himself.

Letting the tears flow, Asuka leaned forward and locked her lips with her new fiancé, who, for a moment, seemed to be far too tense to return the kiss. Seconds later, the lightbulb above Shinji's head went off and he returned the kiss.

What happened next, however, caught everyone by surprise. There was a sudden and faint popping sound, resonating throughout the air. Seconds later, everyone except for Shinji, Asuka, Misato, Kaji, Ritsuko, Gendo, and Fuyutsuki had suddenly vanished, while a large pool of orange liquid spread across the floor.

Furthermore, unseen by the above mentioned group, everyone across the globe suddenly found themself smiling for a brief moment before vanishing, being replaced by a puddle of orange juice.

"Commander Ikari!" Misato and Kaji shouted in unison. "Was that Third Impact?"

Behind his gloved fingers, Gendo snickered. "Teeheeheeheeheeheehee..."

Omake 14-Oh, wait, you're Eva fans. You'll read through everything...

"Asuka," Shinji managed to say, his heart beating a mile a minute as he extended the box with the ring towards her. "Will you marry me?"

Looking down at the ring, Asuka found herself mesmerized by the way the light reflected off of the (rather big) diamond. In a heartbeat, Asuka responded with a shout, "YES!"

Without hesitation, she reached down and snatched the ring out of the box and slipped it onto her left ring finger. Holding out her hand, she examined the item and how it looked on her hand...when she noticed something. Looking more closely, she tapped it a few times with her finger before her face scrunched up in rapidly growing rage.

"Hey! This is cubic zirconium!" she shouted, furious.

"It...is?" Shinji asked in surprise. "What's that?" He never got an answer, though, because Asuka took that chance to punch him in the face, sending him flying backwards against the wall.

"Screw you, cheapskate!" she shouted as his body fell to the ground.

"Um...Asuka?" Kaji finally dared to speak. "You do realize that it wasn't Shinji who bought the ring, don't you?"

"Your point?" she asked.

Omake 15-...No matter how many times you have to bang your head against the keyboard to survive it...

As Shinji and Asuka made out, Gendo smiled. It was good that his son was now on his way to a happier life. Now there was the matter of Captain Katsuragi.

"I hate to interrupt, but there's one more important matter to clear up." he said, but stopped when Kozou Fuyutsuki put a hand on his shoulder.

Leaning in, the elder man whispered into the NERV leader's ear, "Uh, actually Ikari, there's something I didn't tell you about. You see, when I shot Kaji, I accidentally hit him in the heart. He didn't pull through."

"Wait a minute..." Gendo curtly responded. "You actually shot him? Why the hell would you do that?"

"Wasn't that part of the Scenario?" Fuyutsuki defended.

"No, it was only supposed to be thought of as part of the Scenario if he or anyone were to ask questions! Now what am I going to tell them?" Gendo asked, glancing at everyone else, who were all looking at him expectantly.

Sweat dropping, Gendo did the only thing he could think of. Turning to his right, he forced himself to ask a single question. "Ritsuko Akagi, will you marry me?"

Omake 16-It... just... won't... end!!!

Kouzo Fuyutsuki eyed Commander Ikari wearily. Shinji had just returned after a month of living a metaphysical existence in the entry plug of Unit 01, following his battle with the Fourteenth Angel. As such, the Commander had felt it was the time to start increasing their efforts towards fulfilling the Scenario.

"Ikari, are you sure it'll work? Asuka is both arrogant and aggressive, while your son is a psychological mess. He's just undergone yet another life changing experience in regards to whatever the hell happened to him inside the Evangelion. What makes you so confident that it will succeed?"

"Simple, Fuyutsuki." Gendo replied, his voice even while he reached into his desk draw and pulled out a book, which he then showed to his former college professor. "The various and sundry romance novels and movies I have studied make it clear that when there is a stubborn conflict between two individuals, it means that there is a maelstrom of emotion and intimate desire between the two. It's how I got Yui to date me."

Fuyutsuki sweat dropped.

"Of course," Gendo continued. "Since the times have changed, and Shinji and Asuka are both much more...extreme cases, I decided to look up some more contemporary sources. I discovered these people on the internet known as 'fangirls', who are self-proclaimed experts on romance. Upon studying there work, it was confirmed that a passive-aggressive relationship such as Shinji and Asuka's is not a bitter rivalry or such, but rather just their attempts to either conceal or express their deep desire for each other. It's actually rather fascinating, and I have devoted several hours now to researching and learning all that I-"

Gendo was cut off by the sound of a gunshot and then the thud of something hitting the floor. There, lying motionless, was Kouzo Fuyutsuki with a gun in his hand and blood pouring out of a hole in his right temple.

Omake 17-Somewhere out there, fangirls are ranting... shudders

"Now Shinji," Gendo growled at his son, who looked like he was about to be sick. "Tell her how you feel."

"I hate her!" Shinji suddenly shouted, startling everyone, save Asuka.

"Not like it matters." Asuka shot back. "It wouldn't matter if he liked me or not, I'd still emasculate him if he came even close to me with a ring."

As the bickering festered between the two, Gendo sighed into his hands before muttering to his second in command. "No choice, send _her_ in."

A minute later, there was a flash of bright pink light which struck Shinji and Asuka in the chest, instantly ending their shouting match. For several minutes they just stood still, their faces looking completely dazed and separated from reality. Then, blushing, they suddenly took hold of each others hands, smiling sheepishly.

"Shinji," Asuka stammered, her voice confirming that she was suddenly, mysteriously completely smitten with the young Eva pilot. "I have to confess...I've loved you ever since we met on that aircraft carrier. You were so adorable and kind. I just didn't want people to think that I was weak for being with you, so I kept on trying to provoke you into being more of a man. I-I'm so sorry. Please, forgive me. Please?"

"Asuka..." Shinji muttered, his voice nearly a perfect mirror of hers, only slightly more masculine. "I-I-I love you as well. You always seemed to be so sure of yourself, and I admired that. Plus you were smart, energetic, and you didn't let anyone push you around. I was always just too scared to do anything about those feelings."

"Oh, Shinji..." Asuka cooed, wrapping her arms around the boy and pulling him close for a deep, passionate kiss. No one even thought to ask about the mysterious pink light which had preceded the sudden turn-about in the attitudes of the two teenagers.

Standing behind a ventilation grid, in a duct which was much, much taller than was standard, stood a young girl, no more than twelve years old, with soft aquamarine hair tied into pigtails which hung down to her ankles. Smiling to herself, she blinked her adorable pink eyes while twirling the baton she held in her hand.

"Wherever love is needed, Magical Girl Pretty Sammy is there to lend a hand!" she chimed to herself as she turned and made her was down the corridor.

Note-No, we don't own _Tenchi Universe_, nor any of the other series which relate to Magical Girl Pretty Sammy.

Omake 18-Even Mr. Anno is freaking out right now.

"That's the last of them." Shinji sighed with relief as he set the box down. He and Asuka had been moving into their new apartment, or rather, they had been redoing Misato's old apartment, which she had given them when she and Kaji got married. As a result, Shinji and Asuka had to move their stuff out of their old rooms and into the main bedroom, while also getting new furniture and such.

Wiping sweat from his brow, Shinji blinked when he noticed that the box he had just moved into the new study (formerly his own room) was a new one which Kaji had brought by when Misato was moving out. On it was the label 'Magazines'. Prompted by curiosity, Shinji moved to open the box, but froze at the last minute.

'_Kaji did give these to me, saying that they would be educational and all...'_ he trailed off and hung his head, realizing what that meant was no doubt contained within said magazines. _'If Asuka caught me...how embarrassing. Then again...'_ he smirked and glanced at the clock. Asuka had left a few minutes earlier to go shopping with Misato. Something about needing to find something to "accent" the rest of the decor of the apartment, whatever that meant. As a result, Shinji should have a good while to himself...

Giving in to curiosity, Shinji pulled on the flaps of the box, bracing himself to be assaulted by explicit images of things he would have never imagined on his own. Instead...

"Comics?" Shinji asked allowed. After a minute, the initial shock of failed expectations faded away, and Shinji reached in and pulled out the first paper book, reading it's title aloud. "_Angelic Days_?" Shrugging, he grabbed the first few volumes of it and sat down in the cushioned chair by the desk and began to read.

Note-Yet another extra disclaimer...yeah, we don't own _Angelic Days_. For those who don't know, _Angelic Days_ is a manga currently running in Japan, set in the parallel universe which Shinji created in episode 26. You know, that world where everyone is actually rather normal. Of course, the irony in him reading it is the fact that in the series, Rei and Asuka are constantly fighting over Shinji, kinda like Ayeka and Ryoko in the various _Tenchi_ series.

Omake 19-Fourth Wall... Broken!

Swallowing very loudly, Shinji's eyes shot between the ring and Asuka for a few moments, the tension building. Finally, he gathered up what little courage he possessed and asked "Asuka, would you please marry me?"

For several moments more, Asuka simply stared at him, her eyes the equivalent of a deer in headlights. She couldn't move. She was more paralyzed now than she had been moments earlier. He had just asked her, and now...she couldn't move! _'Schiest!'_ she screamed in her head. Why couldn't she move? Was it fear? Was this the way Shinji felt all the time? Shinji, the boy she loved, had asked her to marry him, and wanted desperately to answer him.

"YES!" she suddenly found herself scream, tears forming in her eyes.

"You...you do?" Shinji asked, shocked beyond all reason.

"Of course!" Asuka shouted, reaching down to kiss the boy.

"Hold it right there!" Misato called, freezing the two teenagers. "He's mine!"

"You and what army?" Asuka shot back.

"I agree with Pilot Sohryu. Major Katsuragi is not suited for Pilot Ikari." Rei chimed in before her mouth twisted into a smile. "Because he's _mine_!"

"Over my dead body!" Ritsuko called, rising to her feet. Being the closest to Shinji (aside from Asuka), she took hold of his arm and drew herself close to him, seeming to hang on him. "Shinji-kun, let's run away, shall we? Just the two of us."

Shinji could only stare, paralyzed with confusion and shock. How was it that suddenly nearly every woman he knew was after him?

"Back off!" Asuka shouted, punching Ritsuko square in the face, sending her flying.

Seconds later, the women of NERV broke into a grand femme fatale melee. Shrieks echoed throughout the room as they clawed and kicked at each other, all the while seeming to not notice the _Mortal Kombat Theme_ music mysteriously playing in the background.

Sitting back against the wall, the men of NERV all watched with amused expressions while munching on popcorn. With a smile, Kaji was the first and only to speak. "Ooooo, cat fight."

Note-No, we don't own the _Mortal Kombat Theme_...

Omake 20-As if you didn't know all fake universes were interconnected... Don't you read fanfiction?

"Ikari has betrayed us." the members of SEELE growled. "He forsook Instrumentality for the sake of getting his son a girlfriend. I can't believe he would stab us in the back like that."

"It is unfortunate." another member agreed. "Still, all is not yet lost, though they have managed to make it significantly more difficult."

"Enough." Chairman Keel finally silenced the other members of the committee. "Instead of just sitting here, lamenting the fact that we were indeed betrayed, we should instead try and come up with a way to modify the plan so that we can achieve our goal. What do you say, Leader?"

All heads turned to the end of the table, the seat where Gendo Ikari would normally sit. Currently the chair had its back to them, but even without being able to see it's occupant, the members of SEELE were clearly intimidated by them. Slowly the chair turned around, revealing the true mastermind behind SEELE, NERV, and everything else chaotic in the world.

"Wark!" Pen-Pen squawked.

Omake 21-In order to get this one, you may want to refer back to a previous omake. Which one? Figure it out yourself!

In the cage deep in the Geofront, Evangelion Unit 01 stood motionless, as it did not have a pilot. However, that's not the reason for suddenly turning one's attention to it. No, the only reason we're even mentioning it is because Gendo had decided to connect a camera in the conference room to the inside monitors of the biological mech, so that his wife who had been absorbed into the Eva could watch the momentous occasion when their son would propose to the girl he loved.

Of course...Yui was rather shocked and appalled as her husband suddenly began to strangle their son in a tight, tight hug, shouting words such as "Squee" and "Huggles".

Unit 01 sweat dropped.

Omake 22-For those of you who were wondering, it was omake 12...

"Kaji," Shinji said somberly. "It's time."

With an equally serious expression, the man standing next to him nodded. "Can I...at least say goodbye to her first?" Shinji nodded the affirmative.

After a pause, Kaji added, "Alone." Shrugging, Shinji walked out of the parking garage, leaving Kaji alone.

Slowly, Kaji approached 'her'. Trying his hardest not to cry, he looked down before speaking. "It's...not easy for me, you know. We've shared so many wonderful, beautiful memories. Now, all because of that Ikari, we have to go our separate ways."

When there was no response, Kaji just kept on speaking. "Don't worry, I wont let anyone else ever replace you in my heart. Nothing could ever do that. I'll always remember you as my first." Swallowing hard, he finally managed to add, "Goodbye..." before collapsing and wrapping his arms around his motorcycle, tears of sorrow flowing without restraint.

Omake 23-That's about what you'd expect from us, isn't it?

"Shinji?" Misato asked, tapping at the door to the boys room.

Startled, Shinji wrapped his arms around the monitor of his computer, as if hiding something, even though no one else was in the room. Jerking his head towards the door he called back, "I'm awake, Misato. Please, don't come in."

"It's almost time for us to go to the will reading." his guardian's voice responded. "And...are you alright? You sound a little shaken up..."

"I know that. Just give me ten more minutes, please." he replied. "I-uh...I'm putting together a special presentation."

"For a will reading?" Misato asked.

"Well...you know, to liven the mood a little." Shinji responded, his voice far from convincing.

"Look, Shinji, if there's something you want to talk with me about-" Misato was cut off by a harsh cry from Shinji to "Stay out!"

Tensely, Shinji waited and listened to see if Misato would say anything else. "She can't see it...No one can...No one at all..." he muttered to himself, his voice reminiscent of a small gray skinned character from a certain fantasy movie.

When no further sounds came from the outside, her turned his attention back to his computer. Connected to the CPU was his friend Kensuke's video camera.

"Alrighty, let's give it another test run." Shinji muttered, clicking the 'Play' button for the video he had been putting together.

Across the screen flashed various images of Asuka, while the music to a favorite classic song of his, _Wont Say I'm In Love_, played.

"Kensuke was right, AMVs are cool." the boy smiled. "Now, how do I get Asuka to admit it?" he wondered aloud. Shrugging his shoulders, he grabbed a pen off of the desktop and held it up to his mouth before he began to (very badly) lip-sing along with the video.

"Shinji, it's time to go." Misato once again interrupted his thoughts. Startled in mid dance, Shinji spazzed and fell to the floor in a heap. "I'm sure Kaji will mention you in his will..." After a pause, she also asked, "Are you ok? It sounded like you were dancing–badly–and then fell over..."

Note- These are getting redundant. Anyway, we don't own _Wont Say I'm In Love_ from the Disney movie _Hercules_, which again, we don't own...

Omake 24-If you've made it this far, you will be making caffeine runs soon enough.

Swallowing very loudly, Shinji's eyes shot between the ring and Asuka for a few moments, the tension building. Finally, he gathered up what little courage he possessed and asked "Asuka, would you please marry me?"

For several moments more, Asuka simply stared at him, her eyes the equivalent of a deer in headlights. She couldn't move. She was more paralyzed now than she had been moments earlier. He had just asked her, and now...she couldn't move! _'Schiest!'_ she screamed in her head. Why couldn't she move? Was it fear? Was this the way Shinji felt all the time? Shinji, the boy she loved, had asked her to marry him, and wanted desperately to answer him.

"Eew!" she suddenly shrieked before kicking Shinji square in the chin, sending him tumbling backwards. "I would never marry you, you pathetic loser! You've got nothing! Why don't you just go and screw a lemming!" And with that, she stormed out of the room.

Blinking several times, Gendo and Fuyutsuki looked at each other, then at the door where Asuka had left, then at everyone else assembled, then the sprawled out Shinji, then back at each other and blinked again.

"Help...me..." Shinji's voice weakly pleaded.

"That...was anticlimactic." Gendo finally managed to say.

Omake 25-You're now probably ripping hair from your pubic regions in order to distract yourself from the horror.

Head hanging, Shinji slowly trudged down the park pathway, exhausted. The death match the women had been holding over him had ended a few hours ago, having evolved into a nonstop attempt by the women to continuously try and woo him, ending in a tug-of-war...using Shinji as the rope. Somehow, he had escaped and found himself here.

As he came to a stop, Shinji barely noticed that there were two other young men approaching him, one coming the opposite direction of him and the other from the path to the left, both looking similar to him: exhausted and overwhelmed. As one, they plopped down on the bench which was situated along the point where the three paths converged.

"Man...what a day." the first boy, the one who had been opposite Shinji, muttered. He was tallest of them, and his skin tone was a bit darker than the other two. His hair was black and cut really short, with a small tail reaching out of the back of his neck. "They just keep on screaming and yelling and pushing and pulling..."

"Women?" the second boy, this one with hair similar to Shinji's and wearing glasses, asked, receiving a nod in reply. "Yeah, what's even worse is that they keep on doing all of that _to me_. I swear, I must be immortal..."

"Well, out of the six of them, the only ones I can't handle are Ayeka and Ryoko..." the first one spoke. "Mihoshi is too passive, and Washu at least would be willing to back off if I actually hooked up with someone. Sasami is really cute, but currently I think she's too young to get aggressive...the others are even easier...except for Ayeka and Ryoko...I wish they'd just give me some space."

"I had two women who are more than twice my age, along with a stuck-up German and a soulless clone of my mother fighting each other." Shinji finally chimed. The other two just stared at him. "It was the 'clone of my mother' part, wasn't it?" They nodded.

As one they each sighed heavily once more. Seconds later, they heard some sort of peculiar noise ringing through the air, and looked straight ahead of themselves just long enough to see a blur shoot by. After a moment, their brains finally caught up with their eyes and ears, and they managed to determine that the blur had been a boy about their age with thick black hair under and orange baseball cap and riding a pink bicycle at sonic speeds, all the while chanting to himself "Study! Study! Study!"

As one, Shinji Ikari, Tenchi Masaki, and Keitaro Urashima blinked.

Note- Ugh...no, we don't own _Love Hina_ or _Golden Boy_ either...

Omake 26- Hooray for blowing your brains out with just text!

"Ikari," Chairman Keel growled at the younger man across the table from him. "You have betrayed us. You acted on your own and endangered the Human Instrumentality Project!"

Gendo did not respond, and because of the fact that he had intertwined his fingers in front of his face (such being the norm for him), his facial features could not be read either.

"Move your hands out of the way!" Keel barked. "Seriously, why do you even do that? It's annoying and most of us believe it to be unnatural."

"What you and the committee believe is rather irrelevant." Gendo replied, keeping his hands in place.

Grinding his teeth in frustration, Keel decided to let the issue lie. "Ikari, you have confessed to using NERV resources for personal use, and to also forego all plans relating to the advent of the Instrumentality Project. You have continuously acted according to your own whims, regardless of the committees approval. And now, because of your interference, even though the Angels have all been destroyed, humanity may very well still be doomed. What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Irrelevant." Gendo said back, his voice still as calm as ever.

"Very well, that is all we have to say concerning the charges for treason. Now we have another item which we would like to address, concerning your use of the clones of Yui Ikari, which you have named Rei Ayanami." Keel stated, pulling up another piece of paper.

"You see, Ikari," the eldest member of SEELE interjected from his seat to the side. "There have been some...suspicions concerning how you...use the clones you are permitted to keep on standby."

"Such as?" Gendo asked.

"Well," another member said, his voice sounding uneasy. "There are rumors that the clones have been used for a rather immoral purpose."

"They're clones." Gendo pointed out. "By their very nature, they are immoral."

"Well, what we're trying to say..." the older man trailed off, suddenly becoming interested in his hooked nose before Keel cut in.

"Are you a pimp, Gendo?!"

From behind his hands, Gendo frowned while raising an eyebrow. "That would be lunacy..."

Note-Yeah, that one was sorta-kinda-somewhat taken from an Evangelion fandub we saw.

Omake 27-Gendo... Who woulda thunk it?

Standing on the catwalk next to Unit 01, Gendo stared, frozen with disbelief. There, stranding on the same catwalk as him, was his wife, Yui! Thanks to the efforts of Dr. Akagi, as well as perhaps all of the time fighting the Angels, Yui had somehow found her way out of the Eva which had been her prison for the past eleven years.

"Gendo..." she whispered. Perhaps it was those words which struck him, perhaps he did it on his own, but either way, Gendo Ikari managed to regain his senses and dropped to one knee. Instantly, the same monologue which Kaji had given to Misato came flooding back to his mind, with the changes he had made, of course.

"Yui, I love you. I love you more than should be possible to love at all. I love you so much that I have made it my entire objective, my purpose in life, to be with you here on this earth. I have forsaken everything for you. For you, I would venture out against an Angel, bare handed. I would fight against an invasion of NERV by SEELE if it would help you to be near me."

As these words reached her ears, Yui felt tears forming in her eyes, which she tried to blink away. She was relieved just to hear her husband speak again, let alone proclaim his love for her just as he did back when they first started dating.

"For you, Yui, I was willing to go to any extreme. I was willing to go to Antarctica and initiate Second Impact! I was willing to watch as the world struggled against chaos. I was willing to manipulate women like Naoko Akagi, driving her to her death, for your sake. For you, I defied SEELE in order to further my own plan. I even disregarded my only son and was willing to sacrifice all of humanity, for the sole purpose of being with you again. In fact, if all my efforts resulted in nothing more than just to hear your voice and see you before me one more time, it would all have been worth such a price. That is how limitless my love for you is!"

Yui stared at her husband, unable to speak. Her jaw was hanging in horror and she herself was unable to move.

"Yui?" Gendo asked, his voice one of genuine confusion. "What's wrong? Don't you love me?"

Yui's only response was to fall backwards and faint.

Omake 28-Just kidding, we don't have an omake here.

Omake 29-But we have one here!

"Shinji, we're late!" Asuka called from her position by the door of their apartment. She was wearing a sleek red dress, with her hair slightly curled and a pearl necklace with matching earrings. "Misato and Kaji are waiting!"

"I'm coming, woman!" Shinji growled as he came down the hall, midway through the task of tying the black tie to go along with his black suite and white shirt. "Why did you have to schedule with Misato to have dinner tonight? You know that it's _Tokyo-3 Idol's_ finale tonight!"

"Well excuse me!" Asuka shouted back at her husband as they exited the apartment and made their way for the elevator. "Misato and I have been planning this dinner for the past two months. You could have spent that time trying to figure out how the t.v.o works, you know!"

"Even if I could get that to work, by the time I got a chance to see it, the results would be all over the Internet, which would ruin the surprise. What's the point if that happens?" her husband barked.

At this moment, they stepped off of the elevator, seemingly automatically, their attention still focused upon the bickering. As such, neither noticed Kaji and Misato standing arm-in-arm just ahead of them.

"Well, this is amusing." Kajij smirked, folding his arms in front of himself very lackadaisically. Once the fighting couple reached them, he added, "You two really pull off the 'old, married couple' thing quite well. I guess it goes to prove that you were meant for each other."

"Hey!" The younger couple shrieked in unison. "What do you mean by 'old'? We've only been married one week!

Omake 30-

It was a quite night in Ube, Japan. In an apartment so much like millions others across the land, a man sat at a computer, typing away feverishly. His face was unusually passive, as if permanently fixed into a position so as to show absolutely no emotion.

Eventually he ceased to type, opening a drawer in the desk an retrieved a container which held a large assortment of pills, most of them anti-depressants, and swallowed them in one shot with a quick gulp of water. Rubbing his eyes to eliminate the fatigue he felt, he looked up and was startled when his attention was instantly drawn past his computer, blinking in confusion at what he saw in the shadows.

There was a man in a uniform of sorts, with a face-framing beard and orange-lensed glasses, his face just as gruff as that of the man at the computer.

"Gendo...Ikari?" the first man asked, not sure what to make of what he saw. In response, Gendo lifted his arm, revealing a pistol to be clutched in his grip.

"Hideaki Anno," Gendo began. "You created me. You created the entire universe in which I reside. Your works have inspired thousands of fanfics, as well as many professional manga and anime. You are a favorite of voice actors and otaku's alike. But I come here seeking an urgent truth..."

At these words, Hideaki Anno felt the adrenaline pumping rapidly through his veins. Was he going crazy, seeing one of his characters threaten him with a gun?!

"Tell me, Anno..." Gendo growled, "What did I say to Ritsuko Akagi?!"

"I'll never tell you!" Hideaki shouted. That was the last thing he would ever say, as well, because that was the last straw of Gendo's patience. He pulled the trigger.

BANG!

Omake 31-

"Mr. Ikari," the secretaries sweet voice startled Shinji, bringing him back to reality. "The doctor will see you now." Nodding, Shinji rose to his feet and went through the door, instantly finding his way to the long couch-chair where he was to sit.

"So Shinji," the doctor said, scribbling notes onto the clipboard in his hands. "Tell me what the problem is, and where you feel it all began."

"Well," Shinji stutered, taking a deep breath. "I think it may have started when the entire human population was turned into LCL by Rei when she merged with Lilith. Or maybe it was when Misato got shot. No, it had to have been watching Rei self-destruct her Eva in order to destroy that one Angel, followed by seeing all those clones of her break down. Oh, and there was the whole fiasco with Kawaru and such—killing your only real friend can be kind of brutal, you know."

"I see..." the psychiatrist muttered very uneasily as he made some more notes.

"Well, maybe it stems from the times I was in the Eva and I heard that weird voice." Shinji continued. "Or there was the number of times I almost got killed by an Angel. There was also my mom disappearing and my dad hating me. Asuka was always making fun of me and yelling at me as well. Plus..."

Shinji continued to orate the never-ending list of trauma that had led to his various mental, social and emotional problems. Eventually, the doctor found himself scribbling on the back of his paper "Proposed Treatment: Euthenasia!"

Omake 32-

Gendo found himself in surreal silence within Terminal Dogma, facing the tank of Rei clones. After a moment, his cell phone began to ring. Raising it to his ear, he coughed once to clear his voice before addressing the caller.

"Yes, this is Gendo speaking. You need a girl for tonight?" Raising his eyes, he glanced at the large array of blue-haired girls in front of him. "Young and takes orders well? I think I have just the one..."

Omake 33-

Ritsuko stared ahead of herself, her face showing both frustration and hopelessness as Gendo leveled out his aim, his finger prepared to pull the trigger. Despite her efforts to destroy NERV and end all of the madness, her mother had stabbed her in the back once again.

"Dr. Ritsuko Akagi," Gendo broke the tense silence. "The truth is...I am your father!"

For a moment, Ritsuko's entire body tensed in shock before she could regain her composure. "Liar..." she breathed with a look of far awayness on her face. Half a second later, Gendo pulled the trigger. The bullet pierced her skin, the force of the impact throwing her backward, flipping over the railing and crashing into the pool of LCL bellow.

"True," Gendo growled a moment later. "But it did distract you long enough. Plus, it sounded cool."

Omake 34-

"So...how have you been lately?" Shigeru asked nervously of Maya, who was sitting across the table from him, a menu in her hands. Looking up from the meal options, she blinked one before responding.

"I've been doing just fine. Works' been slow ever since we finished off the Angels, but the break is welcome. It's just so unfair that Akagi-sempai has been working in her own lab lately. I barely see her anymore."

Noticing the forlorn gleam in Maya's eyes, Shigeru tried to veer the conversation away from the blond scientist. "What about life in general? I'm certain you have a life outside of NERV."

"Not really." Maya answered quickly, placing her chin in her palm and then her elbow on the table. "I spend most of my time at home thinking about Sempai."

"Oooh...Kay..." Shigeru said nervously, raising an eyebrow. "Well...what kind of music do you like? You know, I'm in a band, so music is a big part of my life outside of work."

"I like songs about secretly loving someone close to you." Maya responded lazily, looking off into the horizon. "I would always listen to them and think about how I wish I could be the romantic towards Semapi."

"Why don't we try and not think about Dr. Akagi tonight." Shigeru tried to sound as civil as he could. He didn't want to offend his date, after all. Looking around desperately, he finally chose something else to ask. "So, you like yellow, I take it?"

Surprised by the random and simple question, Maya lifted her arm from the table and looked down, realizing that Shigeru had focused in on her dress when he asked. "Oh, yes, I like yellow a lot. Yellow...like Sempai's hair...silky and smooth..."

Shigeru facevaulted.

Omake 35-

Actually...we're done...that's it...no more...you're still reading this, aren't you? Well..._fine!_ We'll show you! Well, more like _I'll_ show you, since my partner is currently unavailable...

Time Mage would like to thank: RandomPasserby for staying up till 3 AM with me and posing the question of how to get Shinji and Asuka together; myself for coming up with the idea for using Kaji's death as a ruse to get them together; my parents; my childish musings about various girls (who would later break my heart); my teenage angst; for hosting the story; Trapt, Shinedown, Three Days Grace, Thousand Foot Krutch, Foo Fighters, Alter Bridge, Creed, Breaking Benjamin, Crossfade, Flyleaf, Evanescence, 12 Stones, Puddle of Mudd, Course of Nature, 3 Doors Down, Forty Foot Echo, Nickelback, Linkin Park, Metallica, Korn, Cold, Dark New Day, Default, Dautry, Falling Up, DragonForce, Fuel, Goo Goo Dolls, Hoobastank,Weird Al, and many, many other artists whose music helped us during the writing process; our roommates for putting up with us being up till outrageous hours in the morning writing; the readers; Brigham Young University-Idaho for having us; and...that's about it, I guess.

"What about Hideaki Anno?" some may ask...no, no I don't feel like thanking him...

XXXXXXXXXXX

Authors Notes: Well, finally posting this. The original plan was to have a full 100 Omakes, but eventually that train just lost steam, and this is the result. I know it wasn't a hardcore humor story, but I hope it made to smile, chuckle, giggle, and maybe even fall out of your seat once or twice.

Thank you all for reading this!


End file.
